My Journey to Connect with God

My changing moment in life:

Hello, readers!! I want to first thank you for stopping by my blog site. Today has been a very important day for me. I finished my first 21 days fast today. I had realized in May of 2017 as I hit my 34th birthday that I was totally unhappy with myself and in some strange way, I was feeling like I was losing my soul. I will give a little more info to explain some of what I was going through. My relationship took another plunder, my use of alcohol increased, I started experimenting with other stuff, and I began to start socializing more with a swingers group. I was smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. I was having breakdowns at work and financial problems were at an all time high. I was pawning things just for gas money and food. In all honesty, all of these problems were caused by my own hand. I began to sit in an apartment and hate myself. I had been bad at everything. I was a bad father (not spending time with my kids), bad boyfriend (I could not handle adversity right), bad son (my parents have been my #1 fan) and bad to God (I know right from wrong but still didn’t do what I should, I turned my back on God going to church wasn’t enough).  Something had to change, I had this mental breakthrough on June 11th, 2017. I decided I could not live like this and die one day alone with all of my bridges burned. I happen to come across a youtube video of a speaker that had written a book that was given to me. His name is Dr. Myles Munroe he died on November 9th, 2014. He was an awesome speaker, I soon will dedicate a blog to him. In the video, Dr. Munroe explained how to get back in line with God. He spoke on fasting and the rules to fasting. He explained how you had to give up your worldly wants to allow God to take over your life. I needed God to take over my life because I was feeling it slip away.

What did I do?

I prayed for the strength to overcome my addictions and to give up the things I enjoyed the most. What did I give up? I decided to give up cigarettes, secular music, and drinking. Cigarettes would be the hardest of them all to give up, I have been smoking for about 13 years and I have a high addiction to nicotine. I would even get the shakes when I haven’t had a cigarette and very irritable. Secular music was the second hardest thing to give up, I use music as an escape from my life I would imagine this other life while listening.  I would accompany my cigarettes usually with an equivalent to a six pack of beer. I would drink and go into this feeling sorry for myself stage.

What happened?

On the first day of my fast, I prayed and cried out to God that morning to make a change in my finances. I had been looking for another job to supplement income where child support was taking. I had done in the past a lot of applications and multiple interviews. I could not get anyone to hire me part time. I had done an interview with one job just knowing I got the job but had not heard from them at all so I figured I wasn’t picked. I got to my main job and was sitting in my office craving a cigarette, I remember saying God I need your strength. My cell phone rang and I answered it was a lady with a cab service that asked if I was going to come and apply for the dispatcher position.  I left for my lunch break and applied I was hired on spot and put on the schedule. My motivation increased I thanked God for his blessing and continued on in my day. I went a week keeping my promise to God and praying every day asking for a better me. Also, ask God to continue to take control of my life. The beginning of Week two, I had kept all my promises, I received another phone call it was the job that I had interviewed for but had not received a response (the job I just knew I had). They apologized for taking so long but offered a position that paid four more dollars an hour. I am at the end of my fast and I have spent a lot of my free time talking to God. Other things that happened I have been cigarette and alcohol-free for a month. I would have never believed I would be able to quit smoking like this cold turkey. I had in the past tried everything vapors, Chantix, anti-depressants, nicotine patches, etc. God has really delivered me from the chains of nicotine addiction. I also finally was able to sit and talk with my son and daughter’s mother. I was able to get over my hatred for her. No, we are not best friends but were able to see the human in each other and work better to create a better environment for our children. It is an emotional rollercoaster

It is an emotional rollercoaster in a spiritual growth process. I am still a work in progress but I am thankful to share with you the progress I have made. I am now less angry, I was an angry person at everyone. I found a sense of peace and clarity on who I should be and what my purpose is. I am working on the relationships with all my children as they are my life. I keep my relationship with my parents in a good place. I shared this because there is someone that may read this and have given up on themselves, even thinking of suicide as I once did but God never gave up on me even though I don’t deem myself worthy. I tell from experience that God is awesome, I asked him for some things back such as my family with my youngest child’s mother and I am leaving it up to him to decide if that is what he wants. He is making me the leader that I should be to lead a family. That is my testimony and story. Readers as always, remember that “Life is a journey but it is up to you to make that journey a magical one”- Coffee Brown Brother

Am I worth the fight??

Nothing is perfect… never has been. Marriage, relationships, love, nothing is safe. To ever be so complacent to think just cause…that your relationship is safe is to be naive. When even in your wrongdoing, there is this small feeling or thought that maybe if a valid fight was put up, maybe that’s the security you needed. See, when everything is over, then the reality comes to the front. How could that person you were with not have an inkling of fight in them about their marriage or relationship. Well, from a man’s perspective, maybe that significant other was just waiting on it to end. Maybe they had some else on the bench. Maybe they were waiting so they could hop into the field. You know what one of the most bullshit statements to hear from someone’s mouth…”I am going to work on myself.” Being alone brings clear thoughts. You start to fill in the pieces to the puzzle. They show you you’re not worth the fight, and the worst part is that you have someone who is fighting harder for someone who is not theirs.

Blood wouldn’t do it justice

Good day coffee brown readers! Life is a whirlwind of events and growth stages. In life you have these rare chances at owning something priceless. I am not talking about anything material but that priceless you can’t  buy with money. My creator has allowed for me to have true friendship. It’s about eight of us and we have been friends since kindergarten. We have been through life together. Now, Do understand we have had the test of trials with each other. We have seen marriages, divorces, death of close family members, high school, and laughs. We all are separate individuals and completely opposite but when together its a brilliant display of diverse minds.

Letter to my creator

It’s not a day of my life that I don’t realize that you have been my protector. I apologize if I haven’t lived up to the standards that you set in place for me.  Please know that I love you more than life itself.  I have never thought to ever deny you but I do question those that claim to deliver your message.  It’s so much going on and I have seen a lot but I openly admit that I lack the attention you need. I could never appreciate or repay you for the sacrifices that you have given for me.  I could never tell you that I am even worthy of your sacrifices.  I write this letter to you as a disobedient child but please understand it has never been to hurt or defy you.  I just have a great deal of scare within me and please don’t let my short cummings represent a result of my love and gratitude for you.  I have not been as loyal to you as you have to me. Understand I am as a child that wants to be what you want me to be but I find myself weak to the pressure of the lifestyle to fit in this world.  Please don’t give up on me because no matter what, I hold you as precious as air to breath.  My state of mind is as fragile as a glass on the edge of a table.  I’m weak with many sore spots connected to my heart, I have many avenues that allow access to emotional break downs but not because I don’t have faith, it is because I love with my whole heart and find it hard to express that level of love to be seen.  I fear the nakedness of being so open that another knows how to hurt me. I need you and will never think another thought outside of this.  I write this asking for your understanding and patience to reserve the grace that you have given and had for me for so long.  I know life is a journey and its up to me to make that journey a magical one and I am trying.  I just want you to know regardless of the future or past I love your difficult son the coffee brown brother.

Clown Face

Hello how are you? Welcome? It was a pleasure helping you today! The mask, one big mask it seems almost cruel to have to smile happy when you feel like you dying inside. When the only thing you want to do is stick your head in the darkest place and close off from the rest of the world. When it feels like someone kicked a hole in your chest and you take deep breaths throughout the day to hold the tears back. Those 5 min bathroom breakdowns just don’t seem like enough. When you have that kool aid smile going but you rather go through death than to have to deal with what’s going on inside. I’m tired, I’m frustrated, I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m sad AND I WANT TO SHOW IT!!!! I don’t wanna be encouraging today my soul hurts and I can’t let it out because I have to work both jobs. I don’t have a positive post for you today readers. I only have a rapid fire of emotions but why am I so emotional, men shouldn’t be emotional. I wanna scream and punch the wall. I have feelings and they are caged. I don’t wanna be at work but circumstances say I have to be. I don’t even want anyone preaching about faith, I love God and I’m sure he feels my pain today. I just wanna ball up in a corner…no I’m not the person to go and do something bad to myself I won’t I have children they need me. I don’t wanna wear this clown’s mask today my acting isn’t as sharpe today. I have been up for a full 24 hours my hurt won’t let me sleep. If I’m going through this somewhere somebody else is and they won’t make. They won’t be able to take it. A zombie I am today, a walking dead person that’s just acting like he is living. That’s about a conglomeration of tears and hurt while I mourn in silence on a lunch break in a car. Well “life is a journey it’s …….nawl not today bye readers 😔.

My Journey to Connect with God

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It’s The Little Things

    Have you ever eaten the exact same dish, made by two different chefs both are good but one just taste better than the other? You can’t pinpoint what it is but one chef added something the other didn’t. What could this be? Maybe the chef that made the dish that taste better just worked the little things in the recipe. Maybe he used homemade meatballs instead of meatballs purchased at the store. Today I am seeing that it is the small overlooked acts that are priceless. You know like someone simply acknowledging you or sending a text out the blue telling you that they love you. Wait! but your a guy coffee brown brother, guys don’t care about this stuff. I am here to tell you that if he cares about you then he cares. I’m guilty of overlooking these things but today I actually experienced it happening to me. You never know what small things do to another person. I can actually say for me it controls the position that I would take in any relationship.

Fences

Above is a picture from the move Fences. It stars Denzel Washington and Viola Davis they are awesome actors. If you haven’t seen this movie you should not only watch it for the great acting, but for the story line that this movie covers. Every black American male should watch this movie. The movie covers a consistent unseen issue in black American males even today. What do I mean? Fences is  about a struggle that a black male is having in society and his biggest enemy is himself. It also covers the issues and pain that we  send  black american females through with our bitterness, selfishness, and infidelity. It even highlights how we don’t break the chains and scars that our fathers before us have carried on. This post is not to just talk to you about how great this movie was but to cover the issues that we (and I say in guilt the word “WE”) live with today. It was not until the middle of this movie that I felt the meaning of the title fences until one of the characters stated that the fences were sometimes built to keep people and things out or built to keep the people you love in. I was able to see some of me in the type of man Denzel was in this movie. He had a great wife she stood by him no matter what he did and even though he messed up countless times she was still right there for him. He never showed true appreciation to her and expected her to just live with his wrong doings. It is that part that I cannot deny in this movie that was me all the way. If you have ever read my previous blogs you are probably asking “dumbass when will you learn?” and I can tell you today when I lost one of best parts of me that I have ever met. I like Denzel had a second chance and this time it is all me in the wrong. I expected her to just deal with my wrong doings and forget about them. I made her think she wasn’t doing enough so I had to seek it in other people but in reality I wasn’t doing enough and I wasn’t enough for what God had allowed me to meet. Selfishness and self idolization overcame me along with self pity plus deeming world obligation,so let’s break it all down. I disregarded every feeling she had selfishly because I used I instead of we. Self idolization because I expected I to fix all the wrongs, I had done to her through cheating and cheating again and then again, instead of using God and asking God to lead US into the life we should have been living. Self pity came when I was reminded of what I had done to her when I should have taken the blame for the deceitful person that I was being. I felt like the world owed me something and the bad that I caused was because of what others (the white mans system, her consistent nagging for me to tell her I love her, and past relationships which were excuses for me to do wrong because i am insecure) had done to me. The things she was doing and had done for me were owed to me in my mind. Now…….She is gone!!! All I have from that is I. I could imagine that right now before it is too late there is someone that has what I had. I dedicate this post to you to give you the chance to turn your I into WE and make a change before you end up like the character Denzel played and I. Hey!! “Life is journey but it’s up to you to make it a magical one” -Coffee Brown Brother

Back to the Press

Wow!!! It has been a while since I have been on Word Press. I had even forgotten my login and password but gratefully I am back. It’s been many years word press readers life has really went in a different direction for me it been some ups, some downs, some mistakes and some learning. First lets start with the new I grew to a new relationship, daughter was born shes gorgeous, and Got engaged!!!! Don’t get excited I found a way to mess that up but that’s a blog post on it’s on. I am happy to be back and share my new life experiences with you so sit tight with me for this roller coaster of emotions I share with you in this new year of 2017. As always life is journey but it’s up to you to make it a magical one

Sincerely,

Coffee Brown Brother

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loving Again ….

Bad ending relationships lead to bitterness, sorrow, and Giving up. The true problem is that when a relationship ends bad it is because you and the other party failed to love right. Pay attention to what I said, I said, “You and the other party failed to love right”. It is not because you didn’t love. I analyzed from a co worker (Shaun) of mines about his marriage. He and his wife have been together for ten years. Now get this, he talks about his wife everyday as if he just meet her. He talks about her so much that it seems annoying but when you think about it, it’s quite admirable. I asked him what has keep you and your wife like you are today. His first response was that when there is a disagreement they make the agreement to not yell at each other and to listen to each other no interruptions. So basically in a disagreement the first thing they do is find an agreement. He said that he tells her everyday how much he appreciates her even for the smallest things. He said that they are never apart except for when he is at work. He said something that I definitely failed to do is he has never taken her trust for granted. He stated that she has some medical issues that somewhat changes her moods, I asked how does he deal with that, he stated that holding her accountable for that is like getting mad at a cancer patient for having cancer. He said that his wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, her friends are his friends, and she is his best friend. I would think the only reason someone would find that annoying is only out of jealousy. I’m a little jealous that I have not done what he has therefor as far as a spouse this man is far better than me. I take what he said to me as a goal to reach. I use this because Shaun and his wife is a true example of loving right. Like me Shaun and his wife had previous marriages that did not go so well. I asked him how did he open his heart to love again and not bring what happened in his other marriage into the one he is in now. Here is the interesting part Shaun and his wife only dated for three months. This where I have learned that you have to open up to loving again regardless of what you have been through in the past. God smiles on a heart with good intent, maybe that long term relationship didn’t work but would it matter if that short term relationship turned into marriage. So you have to be the judge long term or life long? What if you missed life long because of the scars from long term? That is a twist to the thinking, huh? If anything I know now as hard as it seems you have take that bad relationship and use it to make you more loving. It takes the bad times to truly appreciate the good times. Well that’s it coffee brown readers, remember life is a journey but it is up to you to make it a magical one.